The Ramblings of a Lexeth

I have the greatest fiance

Wed, 15 May 2013 05:51:47 -0400

D. Muse’s Macaroni and Cheese Recipe

with bacon, potato chips, and also cheese. a lot of it.

-1.5 lbs of cheese… I’d suggest that roughly a pound of it be mild and the rest sharp, tangy, briny, etc.

-1.5 lbs of pasta (preferably macaroni, but sometimes one must improvise)

—- the numbers can be adjusted, just make sure your amount (weight) of cheese and pasta are about the same…. more cheese is better. obviously —-

-a couple cloves of garlic.

-butter. lots

-heavy cream (optional, but it does make a kick-ass sauce)

-whole milk

-1 lb bacon

-salt, pepper

-some mild goat cheese, if you can find it

-tomatoes

-potato chips (saltier the better…) also, cheese its would be awesome

finely chop your garlic. heat a saucepan and melt some butter. add your garlic.

cook it ‘til it smells fucking awesome. add some of your heavy cream or milk and heat that shit up (this way the cheese won’t burn to the pan).

as the cream approaches a boil, begin adding your cheese. don’t add too much at once, or it will burn. alternate adding cream (or milk) and cheese until you’ve got the desired amount/consistency. salt and pepper to taste

in a separate pot, cook all your pasta. don’t forget to salt the water! it’s cool if the pasta is a bit firm when you finish cooking it (in fact, it should be). that shit will soften up when you add it to the sauce later.

in a still separate pan, cook MOST of your bacon… leave plenty of fat, cause it’s mad delicious. add that tasty meat to your sauce mixture, leaving enough to garnish your casserole later.

this bit is important -

make absolutely sure you have the consistency you want for your sauce BEFORE adding the pasta to it, as it’s a bit more difficult to adjust afterwards… not impossible, just harder to judge. I’d suggest staying on the THINNER side, since it’s easy to just add more cheese

top it off with your sharp and/or tangy cheese(s). slice up those tomatoes and goat cheese (if you found it) thinly and lay them down in that magical cheese-bed. finally, cover this whole heinous concoction with crushed up chips or crackers. enjoy. enter cheese induced coma.

Great Gatsby

Tue, 14 May 2013 00:40:00 -0400

So I never actually read The Great Gatsby… mostly because I read other things, and never got around to it. Obviously, this means I didn’t have the full high school experience. Whatever. I really want to read it.

And guys… It is on my summer reading list!!!

But ever since everyone started freaking out about it, I’ve innocently heard at least a MILLION times (not an exaggeration, kids) about the entire storyline, including the ending!

I’m sure analysis of it would be glorious, and aids itself to a good read as is, but the initial read was kind of ruined for me.

Why the spoilers, kids? Why?

Normally, I expect spoilers on Tumblr, but between Facebook and the television, I couldn’t even evade the plot twists in Russia.

For what it’s worth, I probably read and saw all sorts of things before you did, and never had to write about the ending on Tumblr. And now I am sad.

This is all.

mandatoryupgrades: Anyone who thinks Shakespeare is boring apparently missed the greatest stage...

Mon, 13 May 2013 03:52:22 -0400

mandatoryupgrades:

Anyone who thinks Shakespeare is boring apparently missed the greatest stage direction ever written:

I want that to be the final line of my biography.

I want this to be written on my tombstone.

waaaahlbodayz: short-bread: [x] Stephen fry. Stop it. You...

Sun, 12 May 2013 11:23:41 -0400

waaaahlbodayz:

short-bread:

[x]

Stephen fry. Stop it.

You are clearly being too smart. You are not of this Earth.

Yes.

BU! Class of 2013!

Sun, 12 May 2013 00:11:12 -0400

BU! Class of 2013!:

fishingboatproceeds:

Some people have asked to read the commencement address I delivered this morning to the 2013 graduates of Butler University. So here it is.

My own commencement speaker, who shall remain nameless, began with a lame joke about how these speeches only come in two varieties: Short and bad. This…

Sushi Nights

Fri, 10 May 2013 10:13:00 -0400

Still necessary, even in Siberia.

Thoughtstream Day 4

Mon, 06 May 2013 12:54:32 -0400

I am starting to feel happy. Not overjoyed to the point that I want to jump out of my skin. Just… okay. Which is nice. It’s exactly what I want to feel.

This feeling of nonchalant lethargy also makes it difficult to write with vigor. I am okay with this.

Now if I could just get the second interview.

Thoughtstream Day 3

Sun, 05 May 2013 04:09:07 -0400

Sometimes I feel like my body is entirely full of stuff. Like Santa’s bag. Like a water balloon under a hose. Like a house on “Hoarders.” Like a really shitty simile that isn’t worth writing.

To be fair, I’m not sure what it’s full of, but I wish I could piss it out, because it fills my lungs and suffocates my neural pathways.

I haven’t left my room today. I don’t want to write. I don’t want to think. I just want to sleep until everything in my world fixes itself. Mind included.

How I Feel About Being Here

Sat, 04 May 2013 12:17:17 -0400

It is strange, the things that give us meaning:

E-mails, Synonyms,

The word ‘yes.’

Books written by ghosts, and

Cold walks home that signify

Your lips on mine.

Symmetry

That only the Russian Soul can understand.

Entrenched folk song dissonance

Trapped in scorched plot.

In this town,

they say the only way to scare a man

Is to tell him that his children will starve.

My,

I’ve never known a hobby before.

Thoughtstream Day 2

Sat, 04 May 2013 08:42:43 -0400

I’ve started talking to Helen more lately. She’s pretty cool, obsessed with analyzing the seven guys she’s dating, and extremely pessimistic. I like it. Almost as much as I like my use of the Oxford Comma in the previous sentence.

It is quite easy to become obsessive about relationships after all.
Dan wasn’t online again today. This is strange. My mind feels like a siren screaming “RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG. WHAT IF HE FOUND SOMEONE ELSE?! WHAT IF HE’S ENTIRELY DONE WITH YOU!?” Then Shannon and Eric won’t talk to me. My mind screams, “THEY KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON’T KNOW.” It would be easy to drink in order to ignore this, but I said I wouldn’t drink. I guess I will write instead. Ugh. I hate self-improvement sometimes. I wish I could talk to Dan about this, but I think it would make him angry, so I will act happy when he gets home, I won’t get angry that he wasn’t online today, and I will continue smiling.

He probably isn’t cheating on me.

And my paranoia is not going to ruin this relationship.

Besides, he would tell me if he did that again. Right?

Right?

Also, I think one of my best friends is ignoring me. She has a right to, you know. I was really over emotional and bitchy this past year. Still… I wish we could talk about it, and fix it. Not that she’s a super confrontational person.

Sigh

Be cool, Lex. Supah cool .

Helen and I are going to an underground (literally) jazz café tonight. It’s really a bar that they call a café, as are most of the pubs in the area. Apparently, Tomsk has a bitchin’ nightlife filled with adequate techno music and Russian vodka. I’m trying to curb my drinking habit, and I’ve told Helen just to ensure that I am held accountable. What should I do if I DO drink? There should be some sort of punishment. I would say Russian yoga, but I already plan on doing that tomorrow morning.

Maybe I’ll have to eat French fries with KETCHUP and MAYONNAISE.

Ew.

Ketchup and mayonnaise are possibly two of my least favorite things in the world.

I am excited for Hannah and Cat to return. I am also excited to go to Moscow and St. Petersburg and Tel Aviv. All I can think about are all of the other places I am excited to go one day. I am very lucky to be able to travel so much… or at least to be able to spend the money I earn on these travels instead of rent. My parents really have worked so hard to support me. I wonder what the best way is to thank them.

It makes me feel spoiled to say that. Or is it un-spoiled to appreciate it? I guess it is pretty nice that I’m here getting college credit for student teaching. Still. They’re pretty awesome.

I strongly dislike it when people travel and feel superior. Two years ago, I had never even been outside of the country. While I have learned countless amounts from the countries I have been to, I also learned a bajllion lessons in Indianapolis that I could not have learned anywhere else.
Besides, not every lesson is for every person.
For instance, I never want to learn the lesson of childbirth.

Ew.

That’s almost as bad as ketchup and mayonnaise.

Still, it’s difficult not to talk constantly about things like drum corps or traveling abroad or inside jokes when those things form so much of who you are. I wonder if this is how the British girls feel about me talking about Butler. Or how the North Central kids felt about me talking about basketball. Or how Dreana feels about… a majority of the things I repeat over and over again. Or how I feel about a majority of my thoughts in general.

“JUST! SHUT! UP!” I want to scream at my brain.

Does that make me schizophrenic?

Nah.

Out.

Thoughtstream

Fri, 03 May 2013 04:29:00 -0400

You have to know that you are not in control of what happens, or in control of what he does. If he wrongs you, then he wrongs you. And then it is your choice where to go from there.
But anticipating something that could happen out of fear will really hold you back. Expecting the worst will only result in the worst. And I know how much you love him.

- A. Hancock

I made spaghetti for the first time last night. I didn’t have any tomato sauce, so I used the hot, Asian, salsa stuff that I bought for the tortilla chips… mixed with the red wine vinaigrette. Needless to say, it was delicious.

I was too scared to watch the fourth episode of the new Doctor Who season alone, so I skipped ahead to episode five…, which was boring. Hopefully, this season begins to pick up. If Dan and I ever get around to living together, I think I will watch it then. That would be nice. Until then, thank Jesus for the Daily Show.

I’ve started doing yoga and meditation in my room again, as of last night. The happiest times in my life are times in which I was okay with myself. This isn’t my first step, obviously, but it is a big step that I think will help. Also, writing has helped immensely. Getting my feelings onto paper allows me to let them go. It doesn’t give me the control I always want (thanks, Daddy Issues), but it definitely gives me an outlet, and that’s nice. I will continue to write every day if that’s what it takes.

I’ve also started praying again, which sounds strange. I haven’t really prayed in a long time, but it seems to be working. I’m not even sure who I’m praying to, but I feel different, somehow. And maybe it’s just my mind, but even if it’s just me sending out aimless thoughts, it feels good. I’ve been trying not to pray FOR things, but ABOUT them. I also pray that I will be okay. Even though I know the world always turns, I still pray that I turn out alright, and as a genuinely good person. Hopefully, YWH or God or Allah or the Universe hears me and says, “Don’t you see? You’re already okay!”

That would be a really cool poem.

The British girls here think I’m kind. I thought they were joking, until they stopped joking. They give a lot of compliments, which is nice. Usually, I’m the one giving compliments. At Starbucks, I used to challenge myself to give one genuine compliment to each drive-thru passenger that passed through. If I had to think of one word to describe me, it probably would not be “kind.” But then, I don’t know what word could describe me. Bold?

I feel okay today. A little sick, but overall, I feel all right. I am always worried about something. But then, I am also worried that one of my brothers will die, or one of my parents will hate me, so I figure adding another worry to the list does not mean it has to be true.

But maybe I’m a little scared too.

This being said, I will NOT let my fear turn into anger like it always does. I don’t need that defense mechanism in my life. It is harmful and destructive… which are kind of synonyms, but whatever.

In sixth grade, when I transferred to Avon after the seizure ordeal, they asked on my first day what my name was. At that moment, I started going by Lexie instead of Alexa. I would never be that sick and helpless again. One of my first memories, is changing everything about who I was, to the point that I now have no recollection of my childhood.

If I could do it then, I can do it now. No seizure nor depression nor trust issues will destroy me. I am resilient.

I am capable of change.

I am worth change.

(And then some.)

Lex

P.S. What a better place to change than a country filled with changes?

I'm writing again...

Thu, 02 May 2013 12:37:53 -0400

Moving on

Is not like

Moving forward.

Moving on is falling face first
Down a canyon of flail-ridden fucks
Not given.
(Please.)
Past the saxophone man
(You’re making a mistake.)
And his canyon-loving blues.
Until you hi
t the ground.

Moving forward is sitting in the passenger seat
Shoes tapping sole-stained leather compartments.
(Hello.)
Glancing at a shadow-guzzling sun,
A cat ready for dinner.
(What are you doing this summer?)
Did you know if you stare into the sun long enough
you, too, can go blind?
(I love you forever)
I promise you:
Onward and upward.

Adventures!

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 13:26:14 -0400

Tomsk - June 4th

St. Petersburg June 4th-7th

Tel Aviv June 7th-13th

Cherry Point June 13th-18th

Indianapolis!

Engaged!

Tue, 01 Jan 2013 16:52:42 -0500

I am engaged to my best friend, and I couldn’t love his family more.

I’ve never been one to rely on other people for my happiness, but I’m really, really, really ecstatic.

"Of course, indifference can be tempting — more than that, seductive. It is so much easier to..."

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 00:51:00 -0400

“

Of course, indifference can be tempting — more than that, seductive. It is so much easier to look away from victims. It is so much easier to avoid such rude interruptions to our work, our dreams, our hopes. It is, after all, awkward, troublesome, to be involved in another person’s pain and despair. Yet, for the person who is indifferent, his or her neighbor are of no consequence. And, therefore, their lives are meaningless. Their hidden or even visible anguish is of no interest. Indifference reduces the other to an abstraction.
…
Rooted in our tradition, some of us felt that to be abandoned by humanity then was not the ultimate. We felt that to be abandoned by God was worse than to be punished by Him. Better an unjust God than an indifferent one. For us to be ignored by God was a harsher punishment than to be a victim of His anger. Man can live far from God — not outside God. God is wherever we are. Even in suffering? Even in suffering.

In a way, to be indifferent to that suffering is what makes the human being inhuman. Indifference, after all, is more dangerous than anger and hatred. Anger can at times be creative. One writes a great poem, a great symphony, one does something special for the sake of humanity because one is angry at the injustice that one witnesses. But indifference is never creative. Even hatred at times may elicit a response. You fight it. You denounce it. You disarm it. Indifference elicits no response. Indifference is not a response.
…
And our only miserable consolation was that we believed that Auschwitz and Treblinka were closely guarded secrets; that the leaders of the free world did not know what was going on behind those black gates and barbed wire; that they had no knowledge of the war against the Jews that Hitler’s armies and their accomplices waged as part of the war against the Allies.

If they knew, we thought, surely those leaders would have moved heaven and earth to intervene. They would have spoken out with great outrage and conviction. They would have bombed the railways leading to Birkenau, just the railways, just once.

And now we knew, we learned, we discovered that the Pentagon knew, the State Department knew. And the illustrious occupant of the White House then, who was a great leader — and I say it with some anguish and pain, because, today is exactly 54 years marking his death — Franklin Delano Roosevelt died on April the 12th, 1945, so he is very much present to me and to us.
…
The depressing tale of the St. Louis is a case in point. Sixty years ago, its human cargo — maybe 1,000 Jews — was turned back to Nazi Germany. And that happened after the Kristallnacht, after the first state sponsored pogrom, with hundreds of Jewish shops destroyed, synagogues burned, thousands of people put in concentration camps. And that ship, which was already on the shores of the United States, was sent back.

I don’t understand. Roosevelt was a good man, with a heart. He understood those who needed help. Why didn’t he allow these refugees to disembark? A thousand people — in America, a great country, the greatest democracy, the most generous of all new nations in modern history. What happened? I don’t understand. Why the indifference, on the highest level, to the suffering of the victims?
…
What about the children? Oh, we see them on television, we read about them in the papers, and we do so with a broken heart. Their fate is always the most tragic, inevitably. When adults wage war, children perish. We see their faces, their eyes. Do we hear their pleas? Do we feel their pain, their agony? Every minute one of them dies of disease, violence, famine. Some of them — so many of them — could be saved.

And so, once again, I think of the young Jewish boy from the Carpathian Mountains. He has accompanied the old man I have become throughout these years of quest and struggle. And together we walk towards the new millennium, carried by profound fear and extraordinary hope.

”

- Elie Wiesel

http://www.historyplace.com/speeches/wiesel.htm

September 11th: thoughts and comparisons

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 00:38:36 -0400

September 11th.
So we meet again.
Often times, I have been told by international studies majors of the problems plaguing other countries— how the towers falling is, in comparison, quite minuscule, and mostly used to generate hate against “the other.”
While I agree that the event has incited massive bouts of hate that are unacceptable in this country, I do not wish to dismerit the lives lost nor

the impact that morning had on me. The reason any event in our lives is “important” is not because, in the grand scheme, it is bigger than other events. It is because such experiences affect us in ways that we cannot be unaffected… and change us in ways that we cannot be unchanged… and sometimes hurt us in a way in which we cannot be unhurt.
I understand that in other countries, there are bombs going off every day. In Africa, the millions killed go beyond what I can comprehend in my daily life. Still, while I am not into any form of nationalism, I understand what it is to mourn my own, and I hope that even if we as individuals philosophically hold no value (as Saussure and Foucault so eloquently stated), I can appreciate the human web of relationships that keeps each of us so connected to that day in history.
I think it says a lot when the title of the massacre is the day itself, and so I prefer to continue to care. In the words of Elie Wiesel, “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”

"Relationships are hard, and I never had to have one with an ocean between us. I knew before Bryan..."

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 20:12:00 -0400

“Relationships are hard, and I never had to have one with an ocean between us. I knew before Bryan did that he was going to ask me to marry him—the thing to remember is that it doesn’t matter if someone is ‘the one’. It’s not enough. What makes a relationship functional is knowing that you CAN live without the other person, but your life is better if you don’t have to.”

- Dr. F

(the greatest professor/human being to ever walk the earth with a ph.d. in kicking ass)

When all else fails

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 22:54:35 -0400

ask a Furuness.

You know what would be awesome?

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 22:54:19 -0400

If people could wait a few days to post Dr. Who spoilers on Tumblr.

At LEAST wait until midnight when it re-airs, people! Being at work, I didn’t even have a chance!

lovedyoubeautifully: i love this.

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 22:24:51 -0400

lovedyoubeautifully:

i love this.